Almost every year, my dear friend invites me to join her at a Costa Rican surf and yoga resort. Each time I answer, “Now is not a good time, but someday I will!” Except this last time I told her give me a few days to think about it. I thought about it, and booked my trip. It was incredibly exhilerating.
Is it crazy to leave my almost 5 year old and nursing 11 month old with my husband for a week-long surf getaway? Is it brave? Is it selfish?
Since booking my trip months ago, I’ve had wild swings of emotions. Excitement, regret, pride, guilt…
Excitement because duh! It’s surfing! It’s Costa Rica! Surfing is one of my favorite hobbies. I rode my first tiny wave in college and have been hooked ever since. It fills me with peace and well-being as I get to be quiet and connect with the sun, ionized air, and ocean. It’s the perfect HSP hobby (if you can handle the intensity of wipeouts and rare but possible shark sightings). But I rarely get a chance to surf. For the past 5 years, I’ve been pregnant, nursing, pregnant, miscarrying, pregnant, nursing. My body has not belonged solely to me, which means I don’t have the freedom to spend hours frolicking on my board. And let’s be honest, any beach trip with kids is not quite relaxing. You can’t take your eyes off them for a minute. A whole week to surf all day every day without kids is literally a dream come true.
Regret because saying goodbye to my kids for a week will be torturous. It hurts my heart just thinking about it. I’ve left Sisi with Joe before and it went great, but will Matteo be ok? Will he be mad or feel abandoned? Am I jeopardizing our nursing relationship?
Pride because as an HSP, I totally surprised myself by saying yes. I normally play it safe. But as I did a quick risk analysis of the situation, I realized that the benefits of a trip like this (to my confidence, physical fitness, well-being, and friendship with my travel-mate) will probably outweigh the risks. The timing will never be perfect time for a trip like this. YOLO!
I’m also proud that I have a husband who is totally game to take a week off work and watch the kids. I have no doubt he will do great. Our kids are on a pretty predictable routine/rhythm, which makes it easy for someone else to take over. They are as comfortable with Joe as they are with me, which is not the case in all families.
Dread because as November gets closer and closer, I realize how much I need to do before I can relax in paradise. I need to pump enough milk, make and freeze meals ahead of time (I’m not expecting Joe to cook much during that week), type up the daily schedule and make sure the household is set up to run without me. One thing about Costa Rica- packing is easy. Bikinis and sun dresses. Oh, and a breast pump.
I’m also nervous about leaving the country. I’m meeting my friend at the surf resort, but I have to fly there on my own and take a 4 hour taxi ride through the jungle. I’m in my 30s, so this shouldn’t be a big deal, right? I often wonder why traveling alone makes me so nervous. I love to travel internationally, but I’m very reliant on Joe to plan and navigate and solve all the little mini crises that arise. Joe is like my lovey, and I’ll be so very far away from him.
My wonderful therapist reminded me that no one is FORCING me to go. There is always a way out if I need to take it. I shouldn’t completely block out that voice in my head that is telling me this is risky, because it is. But I don’t want that voice to completely take over, because…
I know it will be awesome. It will be worth the emotional roller coaster. I am investing my myself, getting better at a hobby that I hope to pass on to my kids someday. I am facing fears, letting my husband make memories with the kids, and taking a little break from my everyday mom life.
I know many moms would never even think about leaving their kids for a week. They’ve told me so. I get it. But something inside me said Yes, and I want to honor that part of me.
Question: Have you left your kiddos for several days or more? Did you experience any of the emotional swings I’m going through? Any tips on making the whole process easier?